Hello? Yes, okay, hi. I’d like to talk to the Government, please. Yeah, sure I’ll hold.

Hi. Is this The Government?

Okay! Awesome. Yeah I’ve been trying to reach you guys. I was watching the news and I heard that you might be able to help me. What’s that? No, you were just in the phone book. I know, right? Yeah, first number I called. Guess I’m lucky.

Anyway, I need to report some possible terrorism. Yes. Uh-huh. Yes. Well, I’m not sure, entirely. That’s why I said “possible.” Of course, I have tons of evidence, but the problem it it’s all in my phone. Yes, that’s right. Well, I saw on the news that you guys are trying to like, get into a guy’s iPhone because you thought a terrorist has some stuff in there? So it’s like that. Yes. I think there might be some terrorism in my iPhone.

Well I can’t really explain it, that’s the problem. Funny story. See, I dropped it yesterday and cracked the screen which I guess I could live with, but now the battery’s also doing this thing where it goes from 65 percent to below 10 immediately and shuts off randomly and I didn’t want to rule out terrorism. So I was thinking while you’re in there you’ll just fix the thing, I mean it’s gotta be working to get that possible terrorism off it, right?

So can you send a guy over to fix that, or is there an office nearby I can swing by?

Well, I know it SOUNDS like I just need to get it repaired but the Genius Bar wants like 150 bucks to fix this thing. It’s not under warranty anymore. And there’s no appointments until Thursday. No, I don’t know for SURE if there’s terrorist stuff in my phone. I know I love America, that’s why I’m asking you to fix it. Do the terrorist check. Look, dammit, hack my phone.

Oh, oh. Oh, yes. Yes, I am ACUTELY AWARE at the moment that it is “not the government’s job to fix things.” Am I RIGHT, people? What? No, no one. It’s just me here.

You know, I’m assuming that you guys would just WANT to fix it for me. I feel like I’m being a MODEL CITIZEN for calling you guys. I am actively aware of the threat of terrorism on my phone, and I am trying to be pro-active about—what? I don’t know. Phone terrorism. What’s it… whaddaya… CYBER TERRORISM. That’s it. There could be cyber terrorists on my phone. Yes. Sure I know how that works. Yes. NCIS. All thirteen seasons, yes. Well, Abby, DUH.

Look, I think we’re getting off track here. We cannot be too careful in this day and age. I have to say this is really disappointing to hear that you’re not interested in helping me here. In theory, I pay my taxes and vote. All I’m saying here is, I’m VERY concerned about protecting our country. And as an upstanding citizen, I am WILLING to let you look at my phone, or ideally offer a free replacement of a current or newer model, in order to access it and fix the screen and maybe see if it’s got terrorism on it.

I can bring it in Wednesday?

Baller! Okay, one other thing: do you sell cases?

Hello?