Hello, Ticketmaster?

Okay, great, look, I’m glad I was finally able to reach someone and—yes, I’m fine. How are you? Hello?

Oh damn it; this is still one of those automated response robots isn’t it? For crap’s sake, I just need to talk to an actual—

Oh. Oh god. You are. I’m so sorry about that. Are… are you okay?

You just work at Ticketmaster.

Wow. Okay, so it’s been a bad week for you too, I guess?

Well, look, I mean I DID call to complain but I, you know, I know it’s not YOUR fault here, I just wanted to figure out what’s going on with that lawsuit settlement—you know, the free tickets thing? Well, the news was saying that as part of the class-action suit Ticketmaster is supposed to give me free tickets to shows and—oh, no, that’s just it. I got them. You guys gave me a bunch of free tickets. That’s… that’s actually why I called.

Okay, so, for example, I’m looking at the options of shows I can go to, and the first one I found was something called “Monster Madness 2016.” That is… that is a monster truck rally, right? Okay, yeah, great. Well, no, I’m not actually interested in going to a monster truck rally. But that’s the thing, you guys said there’s like, a huge list of free concerts I can go to. Okay, so here’s one, Georgia Dome, November 12…  “Georgia Carmageddon” and that… appears to also be a monster truck rally. Alright, look further ahead… let’s see, “Winter Metalfest” in December. Yeah, I’m a big metal guy, what are the bands? Massive Carnage, Thunderwheels, Gravedigger…  these are all the names of monster trucks aren’t they?

All right, this is kind of the point of why I am calling, okay? It appears that Ticketmaster has offered me sixteen free vouchers to various monster truck rallies throughout the state of Georgia. Gonna be honest, I didn’t know there were even that many monster truck rallies at all, let alone in one state.

Well, yes, I understand that means I have a full range of options for the monster truck rallies I may choose to attend, but—no, I’ve never been to a monster truck rally before, but I don’t really—yes, I have been made aware in the past that monster truck rallies are “bitchin’.” Am I definitely not talking to a robot right now?

Well, because you sound like you seem to be almost programmed to push me on this monster truck rally thing! I am not getting angry, I just want to make it clear here: I was promised free tickets as part of a mistake your company made, and I am expecting options a little more interesting than starting at cars and a puddle of mud for two hours!

No, I don’t want tickets to a Puddle of Mudd performance.

No, I don’t care that Puddle of Mudd is playing at the monster truck rally!

Look, I get that you have to push events and stuff, but I thought this settlement thing meant I could go to the concerts I actually want to see! My friend got Bob Dylan tickets, for crying out loud.

No, I don’t agree that a Bob Dylan concert will never allow me the spectacle of a car-eating robot tyrannosaurus. You never know. He is nothing if not an innovator!

Are you crying?

Oh man, look, I’m sorry. I got mad there and I took it out on you. I get it, you of all people probably know how frustrated everyone is with Ticketmaster, especially over this. I mean, you’d be frustrated too if you got a bunch of free tickets but were told…

Really? Not a single ticket?

Now come on, that doesn’t mean Ticketmaster doesn’t like you. Oh my god, it certainly doesn’t mean nobody loves you. Hey, you just need to get out of that office, give yourself a good time.

Umm… yeah, I think I am free next Saturday actually. And you’re sure you’re not an automated response robot. You know what? I guess it doesn’t matter. Okay, Next Saturday. What do you want to do?

(Sigh.)

No. No, I assure you, I can get the tickets.

Monster Truck image (c) Martin Benavides, via Creative Commons