How are you guys? I’m doing great! You know, this is the best I’ve felt in a long time, and it’s all thanks to the newest and greatest mobile app sensation that’s taking the world by storm: Pokemon Go!

Look, this game is really freaking addictive, all right? Have you not checked out Pokemon Go yet? It’s really cool. So you walk around and look at stuff through your phone, and then your phone puts little monster things everywhere, and then you catch them with your phone, but it’s not like, in the game… you actually have to go in real like where all the Pokemon are. So, there can be a Caterpie on that table right there, and now I’m gonna catch it with this virtual ball thing and—no, look, I’m not looking at you, I’m looking at the fake caterpillar in front of you. Don’t make this weird.

And I’m not going to lie, I love it. To think at 35 years old, there’s finally a mobile product about cartoon monsters meant for me.

The best thing about it is how it’s really motivated me to be active and get a little healthier. You have to go outside and walk around. And you get a great workout too, other than the, you know, stopping every minute or so to try and catch a little pigeon cartoon thing. I have a step counter here… I walked… let’s see… 45 feet yesterday. Total. I want to make better progress than that because there’s this other thing in the game where you get eggs, but you have to hatch them by actually moving around, so like, if I want to hatch this Snorlax I need to walk ten kilometers so that’s why I’m walking around while I explain all of this to you.

You get to meet new people—I mean, you don’t actually meet them, I saw a bunch of people also trying to catch a Pidgeotto at Piedmont Park yesterday and I avoided eye contact because I didn’t want to make anything awkward, and then there were those moms who politely asked me not to come near their children at all. But there’s still just a general attitude of camaraderie and support. Just all those supportive honks I get from motorists when I’m catching an Evee in the intersection of Peachtree and 14th is motivation enough.

So the thing about it for me is, I never actually played Pokemon as a kid. This is all really new to me. It’s really funny seeing a bunch of children who all recognize these weird names, you know, like Pikachu and Nidoran and—what is it? Eck-Is? Eek-Is? I don’t know, I just know I haven’t caught the damn thing yet.

Anyway I was outside before in the bushes back there. Did you know there’s a rare Pokemon here? That’s what everyone is telling me. A few people were talking about how if you stand in any of the tall grass here you can catch a Zikavirus. It’s apparently super rare because like, only a few people in the entire country have caught one so you can understand why I have some of my attention focused on it. Plus I was reading about how apparently it can evolve into one of the toughest and deadliest organisms in the world.

But you know, I think it’s the real world integration that adds that element of excitement to the game. I can crank up the Xbox and play anything I want but with this, I feel like I’m actually taking some risk here. So I got a few bug bites wandering through some shrubbery, no big deal. That mosquito-filled mud puddle out back means tons of bug type Pokemon catching opportunities. And I swear, I’m not leaving until I’ve either run out of battery or I’m caught this legendary Zikavirus, or maybe if I just get really tired. Guys are you hot? I’m feeling super hot all of a sudden. I’m going to lie down. I’m just gonna wave my arms back and forth here holding the phone so it’ll think I’m still walking.