How are you guys? I’m doing great! You know, this is the best I’ve felt in a long time, and it’s all thanks to the newest and greatest mobile app sensation that’s taking the world by storm: Pokemon Go!
Look, this game is really freaking addictive, all right? Have you not checked out Pokemon Go yet? It’s really cool. So you walk around and look at stuff through your phone, and then your phone puts little monster things everywhere, and then you catch them with your phone, but it’s not like, in the game… you actually have to go in real like where all the Pokemon are. So, there can be a Caterpie on that table right there, and now I’m gonna catch it with this virtual ball thing and—no, look, I’m not looking at you, I’m looking at the fake caterpillar in front of you. Don’t make this weird.
Well, look, I mean I DID call to complain but I, you know, I know it’s not YOUR fault here, I just wanted to figure out what’s going on with that lawsuit settlement—you know, the free tickets thing? Well, the news was saying that as part of the class-action suit Ticketmaster is supposed to give me free tickets to shows and—oh, no, that’s just it. I got them. You guys gave me a bunch of free tickets. That’s… that’s actually why I called.
Okay, fine. I said “and after.” Hef never leaves, okay? Look, you don’t want to move Hefner from the Playboy Mansion. The aura that amplifies both financial success and enhanced sexual prowess surrounding the mansion, and, respectively, yourself, would you become the new owner of said property, necessitates the physical vessel of Mr. Hefner to remain within one hundred feet of the circular blood rune in the basement below the Grotto–which, I should add, is not to be painted over by contractors.
Rest assured I take this situation very seriously. There is no greater wound upon this wonderful artistic community than the grim specter of censorship, and our protest of Mr. Olbermann’s presentation could rashly be interpreted as such. But given the audacity of this, forgive me, what I can only call obscenity, flung in the face of the Atlanta theater community, it is impossible to be silent.
Yes? Hello?
Oh hi. I didn’t notice you there. I was just distracted by a complete stranger having the wrong opinions on the internet.
Hey guys! I’m home! Did you miss me? Man, what a great weekend—my first DragonCon ever! I can’t wait to talk about it. My friends back home had so many questions. “How many people showed up?” “Did you see any famous celebrities?” “Did you get any cool souvenirs?” And mostly “isn’t DragonCon next week, you moron?”