Bonjour.

In all my time, I hear ze rabble from ze customers- they say “ah, ze French—’zey are so cruel to les animals.” It is mainly, you see, le fois gras—the delicious stomach rich with fat ‘zat we force feed to ze goose. “Ahhhh” ‘zey all say. “How can you do such a thing? Zat poor, poor innocent creature.”

Innocent. Feh. See ‘zat; I just spit right ‘zere.

You Americans—always so quick to rush to ze side of zee furry little animals- ze duck, ze baby geese, ze dolphins dancing in ze water with ze tuna, le petit… how you say… veal cow.

As a child I was raised on a love for fine food and ze art of cooking. And also, on justice—ze most delicious dish to serve of all. It is for zis reason that I am proud to have become ze head chef of ze most just and honorable restaurant in all of France. One that exclusively serves to its customers ze flesh of animals that truly deserved to die.

Take ze goose. You are familiar, I am to assume, with ze term “goose step?” Well our goose, to use your American humor, fits ze bill. ‘Zey are delivered direct from ze stockades of Germanywhere each Goose has been painstakingly tried and convicted of Nazi hate crimes. Our special tonight firebombed a synagogue in Berlin. Now we fire-roast it for you and serve with fresh greens.

As for the veal? Ahhh, I hear you say, you say “non, non. I would never touch a baby cow.” Well. Perhaps then you prefer the steak. Of a bull. ‘Zat touched baby cow.

And of course our tuna is ze freshest available. In fact, ze black churchgoers zey assaulted have not even awoken at ze hospital. Our wine list offers ze perfect accoutrement to your meal—I personally recommend ze 1998 Louis Jadot Pinot Noir—but I will also skip right to ze good part and tell you how many times ze tuna was pierced with tiny hooks. For ze connoisseur, we also offer the dolphin caught along with ze tuna.

‘Zere is nothing special about ze dolphin. ‘Zey are all filthy rapists.

In addition, we…

…I… I’m sorry. This isn’t going like I hoped. I’ve never actually been to France.

The truth is, I eat a lot of meat and I really was looking for a way to get rid of some of the guilt about that. I mean, I’m responsible for the deaths of a lot of animals. Not just the ones I eat, either. I’m just clumsy.

I hit four animals with my car. I mean, today. Just getting to work.

I guess I figured, okay, funny terrible French accent guy, that’ll lighten the deal up. I don’t think it worked.

This is rare for me but… I think I’m just going to stop this essay right here. That good for you? It’s good for me. Good for me. I’m gonna go. Thanks for reading.

The following animals were harmed in the making of this monologue:

• Fourteen squirrels
• Three horses
• Between seventy-five and two hundred mosquitoes and/or gnats
• Half of an owl
• Another horse (missing, presumed dead)
• Three mice
• A French waiter
• A puppy. Specifically, this puppy
  His name was Mr. Sniffles.

(Puppy photo by Peter Griffin, licensed under a Creative Commons CC0 1.0 Public Domain Dedication)