Internal Company–Wide Memo
To: All Agents, Confederates and Associated Operatives of GRIFFON – the Global Reconnaissance and Intelligence Foundation For One Neodemocracy
Re: The Use of Jimmy Buffet’s “Margaritaville” as the Hypnotic Trigger for Our Sleeper Assassins
Effective immediately, all representatives are to cease the use of the song “Margaritaville” by Jimmy Buffett as a means of triggering hypnotic suggestion in placed targets to compel them to commit pre-programmed acts of assassination, sabotage, arson or any other activity. This policy change comes direct from the High Overlord. All hail the High Overlord.
As you know, GRIFFON has taken great effort to maintain its reputation as the casual and employee-friendly member of a broad family of global domination conspiracies. Placing boundaries on the creative talent of our most valuable resource—you—is not a step we take lightly. However, these policies are done with the whole of the company in mind as well as the recognition that the decisions of the High Overlord, all hail him, are both infallible and required under penalty of the death of everyone you love or have ever loved.
Above all else, GRIFFON is committed to quality in its black bag operations and to maintain that commitment, an occasional review of employee performance is necessary. In our most recent company-wide assessment, a wide range of performance-hindering issues were uncovered, all of which center around a single issue: the use of the song “Margaritaville” by Jimmy Buffett.