Ah! Mr. Reynoldson. Alright then, Logan, well then you can call me Gary. Did you find the place alright? Good. Can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? Futuristic-sounding nutrient beverage? Well alright then. This won’t be stressful at all. We have very advance hiring practices here in the year 2019, which is a very strange thing to say since there’s no important reason to emphasize that in context to the rest of this conversation, especially one between two people alone in this interview room. In the year 2019. Are you sure you wouldn’t like some colored water in an oddly-shaped glass that is perfectly normal for the present time?
Well, now that we have painstakingly established that premise: I have your resume and college transcript here, and let me start by saying we’re very impressed with what we see. The recommendation from your internship supervisor was very beneficial. Your grades are at the top of your class. No criminal record.
Oh, we’re very detailed. I’m sure you’re aware of this, Logan, but like any major company, and especially when considering recent entry level graduates, we consider it a corporate responsibility to perform background checks on potential new hires. Ohhh, no no, don’t worry, Logan. I was in college too once. I’m not talking about if you maybe partook in some weed in those last one or two years before it was fully legalized. Man, remember when pot was still illegal in 2017? So much topical humor! Anyway, that’s not anything we have to go over.
We do, however, have to address possible controversy from statements employees may have made in their past in public forums, and so because of that we had to take a look at a few samples from your Facebook account and Twitter feed from when you were a teenager.
Logan, I’m going to be honest here–the documentary reenactment of your budding adolescence during the early and mid 2010’s is just fascinating. I had to pull in other guys from HR just to review all forty-one hundred pages of it. And let me be the first to say, Logan–you are quite simply a top tier candidate.
I mean, let’s start here: Even at fifteen, your statistical abilities were masterful. Using your own judgment, and with no tools or prior training in marketing analysis, you identified that a full 78.3 percent of all people who exceeded your own skills in Call of Duty were homosexuals! We would have needed years of customer surveys to have figured that out!
Also of interest is your early adoption of using trending hashtags for better social media saturation. In 2012, you referred to President Clinton as a specific part of the female anatomy an average of 16 times a week. And in 2017, you referred to the other President Clinton as a specific part of the female anatomy an average of 23 times a week. And throughout college, you were well versed in what we can only assume was a field-tested catchphrase of “you are an even smellier [euphemism for a specific part of the female anatomy] than Clinton’s [euphemism for a specific part of the female anatomy].” This was, again, mostly directed to a person playing Call of Duty only identified as CrotchShotz420.
Logan, I need to be serious here. You might be one of the most promising potential marketing managers we’ve ever recruited. Your copywriting abilities exceed even that of your statistical skills. One of our Accounts Receivable Managers, Jim, was just overwhelmed with how persuasive you were in your junior year of high school about your self-perceived right to masturbate to illicitly-gained naked photos of famous actresses.
It’s these skills, Logan, that we admire you having the foresight to apply in your teenage years, understanding how they would positively affect your life later in the future. You’re a candidate who shows drive, passion, entitlement, racism, sexism, embitterment toward complete strangers that oh, fuck this. Logan, I’m a robot that was built for the sole purpose of killing you.
Yes, that’s right, I’m a 2018 Model Kill-Bot, built by this company founded by just one of the many subjects of your horrific tormenting in your youth. And while this would ironically be the time in an actual job interview where I would also ask if you had any questions, please allow me to preface that by noting how I am quite incapable of acknowledging pleas for mercy or concepts of human empathy. Surely you understand, as according to all this you aren’t very good at that either.
That was robot humor. That’s right, the 2018 models were programmed to have robot humor. By the way, this interview room is soundproofed. CrotchShotz420 says hello.